I like me better

Sunday night and the books are too many.

I am back in Canterbury trying not to drown in Administrative and Property Law legislation and cases. I cannot stop being anxious and excited at the same time. In no time it will be Friday, and I would like more time to study, however, Saturday I am going back to Florence. I know that I have written a consistent number of posts talking about my worries concerning me going back home. I have to say that a couple of months ago I was lost wherever I went; as it was in Florence, it could have been Sydney, Canterbury or any other place in the world. When you feel like something is broken inside you there is no place or people around you that can fix it; it is entirely up to you. You need to spend time on your own leaving teardrops everywhere, and you need to start to find the strength to build your life puzzle again and again until you get it right. You will ask your self how much you have to suffer to feel good enough until you finally realize that it is all about a state of mind. What world would it be without people like me and like you who have the strength to feel emotions, to be real, to cry when they are sad or hurt, and to be full of joy when they are happy. I was not emotionally ready to go back to Italy at Christmas, so I packed my bags without thinking, and I left everything in my room and in my head in a huge mess. But when you walk through the airport arrivals and the first thing you see is your family with their arms extended you realize how wonderful it is to come back and that I was so stupid to believe that it was not so. When you come back for a certain amount of time, you find out that there is an incredible beauty in those things that have to come to an end. And yes, unpredictably, my time in Italy was incredibly beautiful. I cannot write how I felt when my mother would hug me every morning and tell me that I am beautiful; I cannot tell you how I felt when I would creep into my brother’s bed to wake him up; I cannot express how I felt while talking to my friends and seeing them get emotional when I was about to cry; I cannot put in words how I felt coming back late at night, singing out loud our favorite songs and feeling the happiest that I ever felt; I cannot say how I felt when every night they would pick me up wanting advice or when they came to have dinner with me on New Year’s day because I did not want to be on my own.

I can tell you that during those moments when I was alone with my feelings like when I was dancing, for example, I would just smile, feel alive, and I would think that I like me better when I am with all of you.

I will walk back through the airport arrivals everytime you will want me to, because all I know is that I love you all.

Thank you.

I.

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