Bittersweet Christmas Rollercoaster

#week11

Dear Bittersweet Rollercoaster,

Sorry for being away for so long but it’s Christmas time, and I have been dealing with quite a lot of emotions. I needed to understand what I was going through and sort myself out before trying to tell you all about it.

Christmas is definitely my favorite time of the year after Summer. However, if you have read my first post called “Summer State of Mind” you will know that you can hate something as much as you love it. This holiday had started to stress me out when I first arrived in Canterbury at the beginning of the semester. It was the end of September, and I could already see Christmas menus on many boards outside restaurant and cafes. I was already worried about the C word. Would get really irritated when people would say that they were excited that it was nearly that time of the year. I knew that it was going to be a big bumpy emotional Christmas for me. Everything has changed, people around me have changed, and I have changed. I have been in denial up to a couple of hours before Christmas. I just wished that I could have gone to bed to get up the day after New Year. In my head, Christmas has always been about loving and being loved. How can you be a big Christmas fan when you have so much love inside you but not the person to give it to. So they just end up being a lot of undisclosed desires stuck in my heart. The truth is that is was not Christmas that was special to me, it was the people that made it special for me. When I walk in town, and I look at the lights I am not excited like I used to be, I have not bought any presents, I have not wrapped any presents, and I have not written any Christmas cards. I have been struggling with all these mixed feelings that I did not want to deal with. I have been going out, partying, not thinking about was yet to come until yesterday. A special hug of a loved one changed my day and gave me back that Christmas sparkle that I had lost and was desperately searching for. I was right, I was always right: Christmas is all about love. Even if you have not spoken with someone in several months, even if you have had a big fight, even if it is only a few seconds, at Christmas people can put aside anything that has happened with a hug. This does not happen all year. I would like to quote the incipit of my favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually:

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

Do not be afraid of Christmas, do not be scared of love around you just because it is a difficult time for your heart; that love is for you as well! Enjoy the Christmas rollercoaster ride, you never know what could happen.

Merry Christmas!

I.

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