I was given the honour to launch this blog, so I’d like to fulfill the task in the best way possible. So let me explain the reason why I entitled this post the way I did by telling you about what happened this week.
I was at the gynecologist’s on Friday and it felt pretty weird.
First of all, I don’t like this kind of doctor appointments at all. It might sound childish or stupid in some sense, but that’s why the first gynecologist visit I ever had was only this winter, at the age of 22, nearly 23.
Second of all, because as soon as I sat in front of her desk – with ‘her’ meaning the doctor – I burst into tears. Literally, with rivers pouring down from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
The reason being, I had a bulge on the right side of my groin which turned out to be a hernia – that is, a hypodermic rip – and not something else more serious and worrying.
I was relieved. However, I had to receive an endoscopy, and that was the first time I saw my uterus on a screen. It is round, dark with pale thin rays radiating from the center, which is a sort of eye of Sauron.
There I started fantasizing about how it will appear once I’ll be pregnant, with a baby in it and that kind of stuff: the little heart beating, the hands grabbing the hope for life… I was amazed. In the meanwhile, a dildo with a camera on top was stuck into my Lady.
It was even weirder to have sex afterwards, about an hour later, with all those images of screenings and babies and me in my 30s floating in my head. It was hard to concentrate. One little mistake, one rip in the rubber, and those images could have turned into reality. But that’s unlikely, because my boyfriend and I are cautious.
Walking around I saw now couples with infants, big round babies laughing with huge eyes, and I couldn’t help myself but thinking of them as an equation : egg+sperm.
Awful, because I know it’s not entirely true. But I don’t think either they are a “miracle” of life. They’re just life, as well as puppies and chicks.
Will I change my mind when I’ll be pregnant? Will I see the squeezed eyes of my baby and revolutionize my thinking?
I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to know. But luckily it’s still soon…